Why are there only four seasons?

Pick one: Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall. Everyone has to have a favorite season. It is required as part of the rules of social interaction. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, it is rule #319, the rule right after the one about invading another person's space and right before the rule about not blurting out an inappropriate remark about the shape of your nephew's head--as in, "Man, there's a mellon looking for a picnic."

Rule #319 requires that you announce to everyone your preference as far as a favorite season, along with a brief explanation about why you've made that choice. "I like Winter because I like frostbite," or "I like Autumn because I like watching things die." In my opinion, season picking is a fine activity that tell us a lot about the person making the choice. But wouldn't it be better if we had more seasons to choose from?

My idea is not really new. Do you realize at one time there were only four colors. So, when people announced their favorite color, they could only choose from blue, red, green, and sandy beach tan. The reason sandy beach tan made the list of the top four colors is the panel which chose those things back in the day included three artists and the manager of a Sherwin Williams paint store. The point is that four colors did not give people sufficient opportunity to define themselves based on their favorite color. Thus, the color police added more.

Imagine if we had eight seasons instead of four? You would have more of a chance to let people know about you based on a wider selection of seasons. Here is my proposed list of seasons.

Spring--March 4 through April 22
Spring would still be known for crisp sunny days, the chirping of birds freshly returned from a winter hiatus in the South, and the roaring of tornados freshly returned from season of cycloning in the Southern Hemisphere.

Sprang--April 23 through June 4
Sprang is the past tense of Spring. Sprang still would have some of the freshness of Spring but it would be offset with a creeping realization that soon the Sun will be high in the sky and burning your retinas out.

Summer--June 5 through July 28
Summer would still be the season for frolicking in the pool and drinking lemonade under a patio umbrella. For those of us without pools or patio umbrellas, it would still be known as the season of drinking water from the hose while sweating like a wlldebeast.

Somber--July 29 though September 8
Somber follows Summer and is the season when we reflect on how little we've accomplished during the previous year. Throughout Somber, people would become increasingly despondent until the season concludes not with Labor Day but with a new day called, "Climb Up Something and Jump Off Day."

Fall--Sept 9 through Oct 25
Fall or Autumn says football, brisk breezes and leaves changing color. It also says unpack your flannel shirts and sweaters. Autumn is, and always has been, a pushy blabbermouth.

Fell--Oct 26 through Dec 4
Past tense of Fall. Fell describes what happened to all the leaves and also what you will tell the insurance company when they ask what happened to your relative on "Climb Up Something and Jump Off Day.

Winter--Dec 5 through Jan 28
Snow balls, chestnuts roasting on an open fire and other thinly veiled references to male genitalia mark the Winter season. It wouldn't be Winter without someone yelling, "Come on guys, jump in the cold river and see what happens to your man marbles."

Shelly Winter--Jan 29 through March 3
The season where it hits us how much weight we've put on over Winter.

Happy Sprang everyone!


....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com