Understanding coffee

I'm not sure I understand why the price of coffee varies so much. Is it because the beans come from different places, or because they are roasted differently? Is it because in some coffee growing regions of the world workers are paid .47 cents an hour as opposed to the customary .35 cents an hour? Coffee just confounds me.

There are so many varieties to choose from. Some roasts are called "bright." I'm sure the less bright types of coffee would be offended by that moniker if they weren't so stupid. Some roasts are "bold." French Roast is often called "bold," which is just silly. Referring to the French as "bold" is like referring to Germans as "playful."

If there were a German Roast Coffee I am sure it would be advertised as: "German Roast Coffee. Playful and whimsical, it dances lightly on your tongue before invading your gullet and conquering vast stretches of your intestines."

There are blends I don't understand either because the name doesn't convey much. Naming your coffee, "The Owner's Blend," or whatever, doesn't really tell me what is in it. I want details!! "The Owner's Blend, a fine blend of arabica beans, bugs, pieces of metal that came off during the grinding process, hair from Juan Valdez's donkey, and husks of beans that flew behind the roasting machine."

Are people attracted to beans from particularly poor countries? "Colombia? That's nothing, these beans are from Guatemala, and not the nice part of Guatemala either, but the rundown part." Maxwell House? Too upscale for some folks. They would prefer Maxwell Shanty.

I just can't believe I don't understand how to buy coffee anymore. Not only am I confused by the roasts, the beans , and the blends, I don't even understand the sizes. Where did small, medium and large go? Tall and Grande? I don't know what those terms mean. They seem so inappropriate when you consider coffee is grown primarily by people who are short and humble

Someone please help me!!


....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com