I'm not sure I understand why the price of coffee varies so much. Is it because the beans come from different places, or because they are roasted differently? Is it because in some coffee growing regions of the world workers are paid .47 cents an hour as opposed to the customary .35 cents an hour? Coffee just confounds me.
There are so many varieties to choose from. Some roasts are called "bright." I'm sure the less bright types of coffee would be offended by that moniker if they weren't so stupid. Some roasts are "bold." French Roast is often called "bold," which is just silly. Referring to the French as "bold" is like referring to Germans as "playful."
If there were a German Roast Coffee I am sure it would be advertised as: "German Roast Coffee. Playful and whimsical, it dances lightly on your tongue before invading your gullet and conquering vast stretches of your intestines."
There are blends I don't understand either because the name doesn't convey much. Naming your coffee, "The Owner's Blend," or whatever, doesn't really tell me what is in it. I want details!! "The Owner's Blend, a fine blend of arabica beans, bugs, pieces of metal that came off during the grinding process, hair from Juan Valdez's donkey, and husks of beans that flew behind the roasting machine."
Are people attracted to beans from particularly poor countries? "Colombia? That's nothing, these beans are from Guatemala, and not the nice part of Guatemala either, but the rundown part." Maxwell House? Too upscale for some folks. They would prefer Maxwell Shanty.
I just can't believe I don't understand how to buy coffee anymore. Not only am I confused by the roasts, the beans , and the blends, I don't even understand the sizes. Where did small, medium and large go? Tall and Grande? I don't know what those terms mean. They seem so inappropriate when you consider coffee is grown primarily by people who are short and humble
Someone please help me!!
....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Why are there only four seasons?
Pick one: Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall. Everyone has to have a favorite season. It is required as part of the rules of social interaction. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, it is rule #319, the rule right after the one about invading another person's space and right before the rule about not blurting out an inappropriate remark about the shape of your nephew's head--as in, "Man, there's a mellon looking for a picnic."
Rule #319 requires that you announce to everyone your preference as far as a favorite season, along with a brief explanation about why you've made that choice. "I like Winter because I like frostbite," or "I like Autumn because I like watching things die." In my opinion, season picking is a fine activity that tell us a lot about the person making the choice. But wouldn't it be better if we had more seasons to choose from?
My idea is not really new. Do you realize at one time there were only four colors. So, when people announced their favorite color, they could only choose from blue, red, green, and sandy beach tan. The reason sandy beach tan made the list of the top four colors is the panel which chose those things back in the day included three artists and the manager of a Sherwin Williams paint store. The point is that four colors did not give people sufficient opportunity to define themselves based on their favorite color. Thus, the color police added more.
Imagine if we had eight seasons instead of four? You would have more of a chance to let people know about you based on a wider selection of seasons. Here is my proposed list of seasons.
Spring--March 4 through April 22
Spring would still be known for crisp sunny days, the chirping of birds freshly returned from a winter hiatus in the South, and the roaring of tornados freshly returned from season of cycloning in the Southern Hemisphere.
Sprang--April 23 through June 4
Sprang is the past tense of Spring. Sprang still would have some of the freshness of Spring but it would be offset with a creeping realization that soon the Sun will be high in the sky and burning your retinas out.
Summer--June 5 through July 28
Summer would still be the season for frolicking in the pool and drinking lemonade under a patio umbrella. For those of us without pools or patio umbrellas, it would still be known as the season of drinking water from the hose while sweating like a wlldebeast.
Somber--July 29 though September 8
Somber follows Summer and is the season when we reflect on how little we've accomplished during the previous year. Throughout Somber, people would become increasingly despondent until the season concludes not with Labor Day but with a new day called, "Climb Up Something and Jump Off Day."
Fall--Sept 9 through Oct 25
Fall or Autumn says football, brisk breezes and leaves changing color. It also says unpack your flannel shirts and sweaters. Autumn is, and always has been, a pushy blabbermouth.
Fell--Oct 26 through Dec 4
Past tense of Fall. Fell describes what happened to all the leaves and also what you will tell the insurance company when they ask what happened to your relative on "Climb Up Something and Jump Off Day.
Winter--Dec 5 through Jan 28
Snow balls, chestnuts roasting on an open fire and other thinly veiled references to male genitalia mark the Winter season. It wouldn't be Winter without someone yelling, "Come on guys, jump in the cold river and see what happens to your man marbles."
Shelly Winter--Jan 29 through March 3
The season where it hits us how much weight we've put on over Winter.
Happy Sprang everyone!
....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
Rule #319 requires that you announce to everyone your preference as far as a favorite season, along with a brief explanation about why you've made that choice. "I like Winter because I like frostbite," or "I like Autumn because I like watching things die." In my opinion, season picking is a fine activity that tell us a lot about the person making the choice. But wouldn't it be better if we had more seasons to choose from?
My idea is not really new. Do you realize at one time there were only four colors. So, when people announced their favorite color, they could only choose from blue, red, green, and sandy beach tan. The reason sandy beach tan made the list of the top four colors is the panel which chose those things back in the day included three artists and the manager of a Sherwin Williams paint store. The point is that four colors did not give people sufficient opportunity to define themselves based on their favorite color. Thus, the color police added more.
Imagine if we had eight seasons instead of four? You would have more of a chance to let people know about you based on a wider selection of seasons. Here is my proposed list of seasons.
Spring--March 4 through April 22
Spring would still be known for crisp sunny days, the chirping of birds freshly returned from a winter hiatus in the South, and the roaring of tornados freshly returned from season of cycloning in the Southern Hemisphere.
Sprang--April 23 through June 4
Sprang is the past tense of Spring. Sprang still would have some of the freshness of Spring but it would be offset with a creeping realization that soon the Sun will be high in the sky and burning your retinas out.
Summer--June 5 through July 28
Summer would still be the season for frolicking in the pool and drinking lemonade under a patio umbrella. For those of us without pools or patio umbrellas, it would still be known as the season of drinking water from the hose while sweating like a wlldebeast.
Somber--July 29 though September 8
Somber follows Summer and is the season when we reflect on how little we've accomplished during the previous year. Throughout Somber, people would become increasingly despondent until the season concludes not with Labor Day but with a new day called, "Climb Up Something and Jump Off Day."
Fall--Sept 9 through Oct 25
Fall or Autumn says football, brisk breezes and leaves changing color. It also says unpack your flannel shirts and sweaters. Autumn is, and always has been, a pushy blabbermouth.
Fell--Oct 26 through Dec 4
Past tense of Fall. Fell describes what happened to all the leaves and also what you will tell the insurance company when they ask what happened to your relative on "Climb Up Something and Jump Off Day.
Winter--Dec 5 through Jan 28
Snow balls, chestnuts roasting on an open fire and other thinly veiled references to male genitalia mark the Winter season. It wouldn't be Winter without someone yelling, "Come on guys, jump in the cold river and see what happens to your man marbles."
Shelly Winter--Jan 29 through March 3
The season where it hits us how much weight we've put on over Winter.
Happy Sprang everyone!
....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Gung Ho
It makes sense that I would end up writing two blogs on two consecutive days. That's the way I am about new things. I am pretty gung ho. As you may or may not know, pretty Gung Ho is Hawaiian singer Don Ho's younger, lesser known sister. Unlike her famous brother, Gung Ho has always shied away from the limelight. She owns a costume jewelry shop in Maui called Tiny Baubles.
I think when I start a new enterprise--(Great, now search engines will pull up this blog when Star Trek geeks continue their never ending quest for a life)--I am excited about the possibilities. I am, at heart, a dreamer. I guess with this blog that dream entails someone actually reading it.
It should be noted that I have always had modest goals. By way of example, my recent acquisition of a number of clickable ball point pens was very fulfilling. I have often been told to be content with pencils, a few stick type pens and the occasional Sharpie, but I persevered. That's what I love about America. It's a land where a blue collar kid like me can grow up and own pens and a three-hole punch. Seriously, the Freedom to own Office Supplies should be in the Bill of Rights because it is way more relevant than Freedom of Assembly. Freedom of Assembly? What were our Forefathers, a bunch of loiterers?
Speaking of our Forefathers, why did they get all of the press while our Foremothers were largely forgotten?
"Ok kids, here is the history of women in early America. Betsy Ross sewed the first flag. End of story. None of the rest of them did squat. Lazy, good for nothing Foremothers."
If I had been a Forefather of our country I would have been so into it. Why? Because the country was new and I am very gung ho about new things. I would have helped write the Constitution, proofread the Declaration of Independence and then immediately lost interest.
Will I lose interest in writing this blog? Probably. But you won't mind, you probably lost interest in the second paragraph.
....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
I think when I start a new enterprise--(Great, now search engines will pull up this blog when Star Trek geeks continue their never ending quest for a life)--I am excited about the possibilities. I am, at heart, a dreamer. I guess with this blog that dream entails someone actually reading it.
It should be noted that I have always had modest goals. By way of example, my recent acquisition of a number of clickable ball point pens was very fulfilling. I have often been told to be content with pencils, a few stick type pens and the occasional Sharpie, but I persevered. That's what I love about America. It's a land where a blue collar kid like me can grow up and own pens and a three-hole punch. Seriously, the Freedom to own Office Supplies should be in the Bill of Rights because it is way more relevant than Freedom of Assembly. Freedom of Assembly? What were our Forefathers, a bunch of loiterers?
Speaking of our Forefathers, why did they get all of the press while our Foremothers were largely forgotten?
"Ok kids, here is the history of women in early America. Betsy Ross sewed the first flag. End of story. None of the rest of them did squat. Lazy, good for nothing Foremothers."
If I had been a Forefather of our country I would have been so into it. Why? Because the country was new and I am very gung ho about new things. I would have helped write the Constitution, proofread the Declaration of Independence and then immediately lost interest.
Will I lose interest in writing this blog? Probably. But you won't mind, you probably lost interest in the second paragraph.
....Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
Friday, May 15, 2009
Look at me!! I'm a blogger.
I am important. I know this because I have a blog. See my blog? Isn't it just dandy?
This is the sort of sadly inane discourse with which you should become accustom if you have plans to read my blog in the future. Why? Quite simply, I think it is distinctly possible that I have little worthwhile to say. You see I am not convinced that my view of the world is unique, memorable, or even necessary. Sure, I'm a goof ball. But are there people who yearn to peer inside the head of a goof ball? That, I suppose I will learn from doing this.
Perhaps we are all goof balls. Has that occurred to you? Have you ever considered that maybe you are crazier than a loon?. And, while I am asking questions, let me ask this--does a loon even know that it serves as the standard bearer for crazy? Pity the poor loon. Pity the loon as he walks pass other life forms that snicker behind his back. Gaggles of geese commenting, "Yeah, well we're annoying but at least were not as a crazy as a loon." You have to feel bad for the loon, but you also have to feel bad for geese because they group together in gaggles. Not a flock or a herd, but a gaggle. Traveling in a gaggle is at once both haughtily pretentious and slapstick silly.
Back to my original point. If we are all crazy, then one viewpoint is as empirically valid and utterly nutso as another. So who cares what I think? I can't believe anyone does. Heck, I barely care myself. We'll see if anyone ever reads the stuff I post on this blog. If you do, let me know. And if you see a loon, let him know that the rest of the animal kingdom thinks he's cuckoo.
...Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
This is the sort of sadly inane discourse with which you should become accustom if you have plans to read my blog in the future. Why? Quite simply, I think it is distinctly possible that I have little worthwhile to say. You see I am not convinced that my view of the world is unique, memorable, or even necessary. Sure, I'm a goof ball. But are there people who yearn to peer inside the head of a goof ball? That, I suppose I will learn from doing this.
Perhaps we are all goof balls. Has that occurred to you? Have you ever considered that maybe you are crazier than a loon?. And, while I am asking questions, let me ask this--does a loon even know that it serves as the standard bearer for crazy? Pity the poor loon. Pity the loon as he walks pass other life forms that snicker behind his back. Gaggles of geese commenting, "Yeah, well we're annoying but at least were not as a crazy as a loon." You have to feel bad for the loon, but you also have to feel bad for geese because they group together in gaggles. Not a flock or a herd, but a gaggle. Traveling in a gaggle is at once both haughtily pretentious and slapstick silly.
Back to my original point. If we are all crazy, then one viewpoint is as empirically valid and utterly nutso as another. So who cares what I think? I can't believe anyone does. Heck, I barely care myself. We'll see if anyone ever reads the stuff I post on this blog. If you do, let me know. And if you see a loon, let him know that the rest of the animal kingdom thinks he's cuckoo.
...Randy Montgomery
www.randymontgomerycomedy.com
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