I'm gullible and naive but I wasn't born yesterday. But if you tell me I was, I'll believe you.

At birth, my parents were just grateful I had all of my fingers and toes. As time went on, they began to expect more from me.

We sprang forward an hour last night and we'll fall back an hour in November. Sorry, H.G. Wells, but time travel is not that exciting.

I have recorded every episode of the show "Hoarders" on my Beta Max. I can't wait to excavate them some day.

Daylight savings...most of us will lose an hour this weekend. As usual, Charlie Sheen will lose 22 hours.

Wife and I playing poker with friends tonight. Expect a financial windfall that justifies our not saving for retirement.

Indiana becomes "Right to Not Save State." Now, no one can be forced to join a credit union.

CBS renewed "How I Met your Mother." Martin Sheen is considering a similar show about Charlie called, "Why did I Meet Your Mother?"

Time to dip into the strategic reserves--the can of lawnmower gas stored in my shed.

I don't know the pros and cons of medical marijuana. I just want a couple of joints that don't ache when it rains.

Karate and Coke and Judo and orange juice are two of my favorite mixed martial arts.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." So that's not a stalker following you. It's your understudy.

I have jokes older than Justin Bieber. To prove it, I used that same line 18 years ago but with a Macauley Culkin reference.